We were told by adoption agencies and lawyers that couples, once they wrote their profiles and letters to birthmothers and posted them online, or placed ads in the "penny savers" in the baby-making parts of the country, were matched with birthmothers within three months. In an unpublished letter to the editor for Vogue magazine written in response to my October piece "The Long Wait" , the Academy of American Adoption Attorneys cited statistics from Adoptive Families magazine indicating that 33 percent of waiting couples are successfully matched with a birthmother within three months, and more than half are matched in less than six months.
With certainly, we were told, we would be matched within the year. Matched, as we know from the dating world alone, is a coded word. My spouse and I were matched with birthmothers not once, not twice, not three times, but a total of five times.
The most horrible things kept happening: Birthmothers and those posing as birthmothers, birthfathers and those posing as birthfathers lied to us. Birthmothers are doing a very selfless and generous thing when they decide they are unable to parent and place their child with wanting parents. It is a decision made out of big, big love for that child. Adoption, when it is successful, is a wonderful thing.
But everyone coming to it is grieving in some way. It would be wrong not to acknowledge this. We have been lied to by birthmothers who wanted money, and who, when I look at the situation in the harsh light of hindsight, wanted the control and love they had so little of in their lives. More than one of the women who chose us may not have been pregnant; it would be wrong to call them birthmothers.
But some were decidedly pregnant. We were matched with a woman we'd had long meals with, whose family we'd met, and to whom I'd talked nightly until she went into labor. From that day forward, we never heard from her—ever—again.
In another situation, I spoke once with a birthmother who the next day went into labor two months early. Despite the risk, we flew across the country for this child, who, it turned out, had Down Syndrome.
As open as my husband and I were to adopting a baby of a different race and as open as we became to adopting from a mother with a history of drug use, this is the one choice we were not open to. And so we did not take the child. We were told there was another family waiting, and we were trying to do the right thing for this baby. But I won't be able to forget the moment when we left the hospital without her.
The piece de resistance of our adoption experience, however, was when, last April, I was in the delivery room—and cut the umbilical cord—of a child whose biological mother we had supported and gotten to know well. This child was subsequently with us for several weeks. According to a Adoptive Families Cost and Timing Survey, an average international adoption can take anywhere from 6 months to a few years to be completed. By the time individuals or couples turn to adoption, most have spent time pursuing a biological child, including fertility treatments.
How does your age impact on your adoption options and choices? Where current or a history of medical or psychiatric illness exists, the Adopting Parent will need to provide evidence of current stability.
This would require a letter from the treating physician. Some countries will not allow individuals with specific medical or psychiatric conditions, including the taking of psychiatric medications, to adopt. If there is a history or arrest, whether or not you were convicted of the crime, the Adopting Parent will need to provide a disposition of arrest and an explanation of the circumstances.
Some countries will not allow anyone with an arrest history to adopt. Do adoption terms and phrases leave you feeling confused? Learn the meaning to key adoption words and phrases with our comprehensive adoption glossary.
Ted Mars, father of American Adoptions' founder Scott Mars, shares how adoption changed his world in ways he could have never imagined. Is Adoption an Option for Me?
What's the Difference Between Open Adoption vs. Citizenship [Is It Possible? What is Domestic Adoption? Adoption Works What is Private Adoption? What Are Adoption Consultants? Preventing Adoption Disruptions More. Adoption vs. What is Open Adoption? Open vs. Closed Adoption: What is the Difference? Is International Adoption Risky? Home Adopt What is Domestic Adoption? Domestic vs. Cost The difference in the cost of international adoption vs. Domestic Adoption Requirements vs. International The requirements for adoption are different depending on the type of adoption, the agency you work with and the place you are adopting from.
Wait Times The time it takes for a family to complete a domestic adoption vs. Waiting Children According to the latest research by the National Council for Adoption , the number of private domestic agency adoptions has risen steadily over the years, from 14, children in the early s to 18, domestic infant adoptions completed in the most recent year statistics are available.
The age of children available for adoption also depends greatly on the type of adoption families pursue: Private domestic adoption usually results in the adoption of an infant children of all ages are available through domestic foster care adoption International adoption ranges from infants to teenagers, depending on the country of origin Medical Background Information One of the biggest differences when comparing domestic adoption and international adoption is the availability of the medical and social history of the child and their birth parents.
Legal Concerns Domestic adoption and international adoption also have their own unique legal concerns. Weighing the Options If you are debating between domestic vs. Here are several prominent pros and cons to consider. International Adoption vs. Domestic Adoption Pros and Cons Pro: Domestic adoption gives you the opportunity to adopt a newborn Con: The cost associated with domestic adoption can be expensive Pro: International adoption provides a loving family for a child who desperately needs a home Con: International adoption can be costly and unpredictable Pro: Domestic adoption creates the opportunity for open and semi-open adoption Con: Open adoption is rarely possible in international adoption These are only a few things to consider.
Take your time making this important choice. Adoption Home Study Process Learn what a home study is and why you need one to adopt a child. Read More Home Study Questions and Answers While adoption home studies vary slightly from agency to agency and state to state, there are several key elements that are almost always included in every home study.
Read More. Do we need to retain our own attorney? Secondly is time frame. With domestic adoption, although you do have more control over the time frame than most people think, it is still unpredictable because it depends on when you are chosen by a prospective birthmother and how far along in the pregnancy she is.
Nevertheless, depending on the quality of your profile , the visibility of your profile, your openness to different situations and the professionals with whom you work, many domestic adoptions can be completed in only a few months. Alternately, international adoption is a little bit more predictable, although not nearly as predictable as people tend to think. Changes in laws, political and economic climates and even general sentiment towards the U.
Another factor to consider is the medical and social history of the birth families. Take some time to consider the medical and social history of you, your spouse and your families. Think about what that would look like on paper — would you select yourselves if the situation were reversed?
Many pre-adoptive parents choose international adoption because they do not want any contact with the birth family. Most domestic adoptions these days are semi-open , meaning that the birthmother will know your first names. After the birth, the adoptive parents send updates and pictures to the agency, which the agency then forwards to the birthmother. Instead, they help reassure her that she made the right decision, that she is a good person despite lots of people telling her how selfish she is during the process , the baby is thriving and, therefore, will not grow up to hate her one of her biggest fears.
Next come finances. Neither domestic nor international adoption is necessarily more or less expensive than the other; it all depends on the particular situation.
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